A gradual descent into total submergence.
Say that slowly – and out loud.
… into a moment; where I give myself up to the energy that surrounds me; where I hold no tension; where I am as opposed to am doing.
Bliss … but …
to sink scares me. I feel tether-less. I can’t touch the sides to get bearing; I don’t even know where the sides are.
I fight to find them, to get context, to keep head above water …
I am noting the words used here – I see sinking as something to be battled – adversary and adversity …
Yoga is my perfect example.
I have dabbled in yoga for approximately twenty years …
I am at the age where I had to do the calculations … this age is too old to start a blog that will have impact …
There is so much competition … how will anyone find these words amongst the babble … why bother ?
If I don’t bother, I am guaranteed one result. If I do, the result in unknown …
… reaching for that ‘zen-like’ moment of atom-level calm.
Reaching for a place where reaching doesn’t exist … #irony
I feel tightness, pain, discomfort and I seize. My brain still firmly ‘on’ – and yelling : “you could twist more – shoulder further back – this hurts – where is my knee – focus on the breath – push through – this huuurts”.
And my breath constricts.
And my shoulder and neck muscles tighten.
In my head there is a notion of ‘perfect’ – elements in every pose that must be achieved for the pose to be ‘good’.
This week I found myself in a similar position.
A class of many twists. A class of many downward dogs that turned into split stances and hip openers. A class with discomfort.
A class where my head was wishing away time.
And then a dropped phrase that my brain paused to pick up : “living with a whole heart” … openly; all five senses accepting the now as it is …
I know that this is the (very) basic tenet of yoga … but for a second I stopped reaching for ‘perfect’ … or ‘ideal’ … or even ‘better’ … and I surrendered to what I was feeling in the moment …
Physical discomfort with psychological calm. In letting go of an ideal, I let go of the reins. I was.
And after the class a sensation of buoyancy; of joy.
I have already written about the Golden Circle retreat and a similar feeling … where mental and physical activity coalesced … where I sank …
What is the ‘why’ behind the ‘what’?. Was it the combination of physical and psychological exertion that allowed a descent into total submergence? Was it simply the type of physical – does my soul need to be wrung out with yogic twists and dance to connect to joy?
… what brought joy?