I want richness – juiciness – yumminess; a squelchy, gooey, textured life.
That resonates for 2018 – I want texture and richness and friendship and love.
My 2017 … it was change. Breaking old patterns – trying to break old patterns.
It was the year of a bag. The “Sad Days – Emergency Kit” filled by my sister. For days that felt heavier than I wanted them to. For days when I felt alone. For days when I felt unloved. For days when my eyes saw my body as something to be hated. For days when I questioned what my purpose in life actually was … is.
Parcels, individually wrapped. The first one a Haighs-soft teddy-bear that has stayed with me over a move, new job and fragmentation of life. The second, a French film-filled USB, with a small card “Random act of kindness TIME” … still owed.
Today – another USB, unknown content. Another “Random act of kindness TIME” – donate clothes to those who need them more than me … to do this week.
I don’t like the term ‘suffering’ from depression. I know that, technically, it’s the correct verb … but … it is heavy with defeat.
I have a relationship with depression. At times, the relationship takes my breath away, floors me, knocks me sideways.
At times, mutual suspicion means a healthy distance.
Today is not one of those days. Today, I broke open the third parcel.
But I want more joy in my life. I need it. I want to work through the heaviness that I currently feel. I want juiciness.
Three weeks ago, I bought a book entitled “Can You Be Happy for 100 Days in a Row?“. I needed a regime, something easy to follow even when my Nietzsche-loving brain is telling me that everything is pointless … if I’m going to cede to something, it’s going to be something that offers potential.