Acquaintances are low-fat yoghurt

/ EtreAnne / Leave a comment

… well, not literally – more figuratively … stay with me – I’ll explain …

So last year, I moved – house, neighbourhood and state, job and sector … no point in doing things by eighths, quarters or halves …

It has involved lots of ‘new’, and lots of ‘change’. While I crave change … need it … the thought of it makes me uncomfortable in precisely equal measure.

Which means that when I do plunge, it is belly-flop sized as opposed to pin drop … and the scope is partly in retaliation for too long a period without change.

So – 2017 : new people, new places, new headspace, new ‘normal’ …

And – 2018 : a clear understanding that, my world with just me is functional; my world with people with whom I can be myself is atom-level satisfying.

And that’s the clear takeaway from the weekend past. At the moment, I have

YoplaitStrawberry

acquaintances in Melbourne. Acquaintances are like low-fat yoghurt – technically they sustain but sometimes they serve to highlight that which is missing.

Because friends ask those questions that they already know the part-answer to. They prod and poke and scratch the surface …

And I know that all friendship takes time and I know that my friendships are ones that are few but lasting … but after having a weekend of friends, I am concluding that :

> friends that ask ‘how are you’ and wait for the response that they’ve already half-discerned = farm-fresh yoghurt with live cultures.

 

So – happiness will be partially dependent on friends.

So – I need to make friends ….

How does one go about making friends at the age of 39???

 

The “Sad Days – Emergency Kit”

/ EtreAnne / Leave a comment

I want richness – juiciness – yumminess; a squelchy, gooey, textured life.

That resonates for 2018 – I want texture and richness and friendship and love.

My 2017 … it was change. Breaking old patterns – trying to break old patterns.

It was the year of a bag. The “Sad Days – Emergency Kit” filled by my sister. For days that felt heavier than I wanted them to. For days when I felt alone. For days when I felt unloved. For days when my eyes saw my body as something to be hated. For days when I questioned what my purpose in life actually was … is.

Parcels, individually wrapped. The first one a Haighs-soft teddy-bear that has stayed with me over a move, new job and fragmentation of life. The second, a French film-filled USB, with a small card “Random act of kindness TIME” … still owed.

Today – another USB, unknown content. Another “Random act of kindness TIME” – donate clothes to those who need them more than me … to do this week.

I don’t like the term ‘suffering’ from depression. I know that, technically, it’s the correct verb … but … it is heavy with defeat.

I have a relationship with depression. At times, the relationship takes my breath away, floors me, knocks me sideways.

At times, mutual suspicion means a healthy distance.

Today is not one of those days. Today, I broke open the third parcel.

But I want more joy in my life. I need it. I want to work through the heaviness that I currently feel. I want juiciness.

Three weeks ago, I bought a book entitled “Can You Be Happy for 100 Days in a Row?“. I needed a regime, something easy to follow even when my Nietzsche-loving brain is telling me that everything is pointless … if I’m going to cede to something, it’s going to be something that offers potential.

 

The journey to “Here” #5

/ EtreAnne / Leave a comment

I am very much influenced by my surroundings and Ibiza quickly became a multi-sensorial blank canvas … exploration available in any direction …

The sounds and smells were peace-inducing; encouraging reflection but not requiring it.

Pool-acquas, painted wall-whites, pine-greens murmured, whispered without shouting – comfort, serenity.

The textures were fat with history – doors swung heavy, floor tiles terracotta-thick, silken-smooth polished cement … solidity, surety, stability.

To be happy, to stretch emotionally, one needs … I need … to feel comfortable physically. It’s when the physical needs are met that the mental needs can consume.

And I was stretched emotionally – and I felt joy for the first time in a long time – and now I want to recreate that … or, rather, extend on that …

Because life cannot be a strong of motions that are going through …

So, I’m using my innate ability for the analytical to find what brings joy … what elements do I need to feel contentment – pleasure … what brings a smile to my face …. what makes me feel light … and how can I incorporate these into my everyday …

 

 

The journey to ‘Here’ #4

/ EtreAnne / Leave a comment

Golden Circle retreat – it felt like water on a hot day; it quenched the mind, body and spirit; it massaged the self  …

I realised that, possibly, maybe, there was a decent chance, that life could be lighter …

Sun

I expressed my greatest fear and cried in front of women that had become friends.

I ran out of words to express emotions.

I had hugged and been hugged without veneer.

I was stretched and reminded of the emotional state of childhood – where there was inexplicable joy in just being; where I had a sunshine-warmed interior.

And this retreat extended that childhood lightness. I didn’t worry about … anything … I felt connected; and emotional; and I felt softer … less ‘fingernails gripping the edge of a building’

Life was light…

and joyous …

And I want to replicate that …

And this blog is an exploration of how I might bring more joy into life, how I can create lightness, how I can stay soft … and connected … and emotional …

… and how I can weave together the different parts of my self – the strong, the stubborn, the intelligent, the emotional, the vulnerable and the soft – to be the person that I knew as a child that I would become, that I sense now as a possible future.